Grief, Miscarriage and Mother's Day.
"Grief. Everything you hear about it is true. All the different steps and stages that you think you'll bypass.. you'll walk through them. The moment you think "I'm going to be okay", grief takes over- coming at you in an overwhelming, completely unexpected wave. You feel like you're drowning and trying to take the next breath is exhausting. Grief has many faces and many voices. It changes your thoughts, your conversations, your perspective, the way you can or cannot relate to people. Grief can be so ugly- it can make you feel anything but cherished, anything but beautiful, anything but loved. Grief has such a beautiful side that isn't talked about, though. And it's okay to feel that side, too. The knowing of someone who knows what you're going through, the calm silence and slowness in the early morning or late night hours, a closer, different intimacy with the Holy Spirit. Grief and hope go hand in hand. You really can't realize hope without grief, and you sure can't survive grief without hope. I know it doesn't feel like it yet, but hope will come. God is with you. In the deepest places, in the darkness, in the confusion, in the conflicting thoughts. When your mind is flooded with lies, don't believe the lie that He has abandoned you. He is there. And He is still good. Hope will come.
If you're working through the loss of your baby, I promise hope will come. I'm here, holding so much space for you. Grieve. Be angry, sad, have guilt-free joy. You can tell me your story, or you can hold it personal. I will honor your heart, your story and your baby.
October is chosen for us to remember about those who walk through the loss of a child, but I'll be here for you no matter the season."
-le sigh-
I wrote that after losing our much-desired, much-prayed-for baby.
It was October- Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I wanted to speak out, to say something that mothers could hold on to. To let other moms know that someone else was out there and understood. That someone else cared, that there was hope. I wanted to tell my story without actually having to say anything. I remember the long, sleepless nights of desperately searching the facebooks and instagrams of the women I knew who had miscarried. I couldn't find much but I couldn't blame them either...I wanted to hold my own story so tightly. I wanted to protect it. I wanted our baby to always be honored...and if I loosened my grip on it, then who knows what would happen? Or at least that's how I felt.
So, I wrote that. And I thought I was golden...well on my way to my "path of healing", whatever that means. But then Mother's Day happened. And it was hard. Grief managed to get me- right in the gut.
For some reason... when people find out your story, they feel the need to say something along the lines of:
- Are you sure you were pregnant?
- At least you weren't further along.
- At least you know you can get pregnant.
- I had an abortion.
- I had a miscarriage and now I have 3 children.
- You're still young.
- You should've...a/b/c.
- You shouldn't have .....a/b/c.
- You still have plenty of time.
- God needed them back. (Just stop.)
- Are you going to try again?
However...When Mother's Day rolls around, this is what you usually get:
- (silence.)
- limited eye contact.
- No cards, flowers, special dinners.
I sooo get it. It's uncomfortable, painful, awkward. It's okay if you don't know how to handle things! We don't really know how to handle it either, if we're being honest with ourselves. But it's important to remember, to honor and to hold space. Mother's Day is tough. You have to gather yourself and face the day without a baby in your womb, in your arms or on your hip. And so often, no one even knows what you're going through. So if you're reading this and unsure of how to handle it with a loved one, here are some ideas:
- A Mother's Day card in a closed, sealed envelope
- A special breakfast in bed
- Flowers (given in private)
- A gentle touch
- Strong eye contact with a smile
- A text letting her know you're remembering and honoring her
No matter what you do, I promise she will feel loved and cared for, knowing you thought of her.
And for the Mom who is reading this...
It's okay if today sucks. I pray it doesn't, but it's okay if it does. It's okay if you stay home in bed, or if you want to stand in church when the mothers are called to stand. It's okay to celebrate today and it's okay if you just want today to be over. It's okay to cry, yell, scream. It's okay to have the most wonderful, beautiful, filled-to-the-brim-with-joy day. However you want to handle the day, it's okay.
We want you to know that we see you. You are not forgotten. You matter to us. We honor your baby, we remember them. We honor your mother heart. You are so strong. We celebrate you this Mother's Day.
When your heart is aching. When you can't understand. When you don't feel honored or okay. When you can't fall asleep, think straight or settle your stomach. -
Please, please remember:
"You are enough, just the way you are, grief and all." -Jill
"You are a mother." -Morgan
"You are loved." -Courtney
"You are strong." -Gena
"Your baby is a real baby, no matter how small." -Christy
"You are a mother." -Heather
"When you seem most alone look around we are standing with you." -Ashley
"You will always be a mother and you did nothing wrong." -Lauren
"Your baby is forever loved." -Jessica
"Grief is love." -Cori
"You are still a mommy." -Ricky
"You are of worth." -Megan
"Your baby matters." -Gillian
"We are all mommas." -Misty
"You're stronger than you know." -Autumn
"You are a mother always." -Rikki
"Your baby is Never forgotten and Forever loved!" -Aubrey
"Your mother heart is beautiful! You are beautiful! Your precious baby will forever be beautiful, as you carry your child in your heart." -Rosalyn
"They will forever be our children regardless of how little time we had with them." -Jamie
"You are not alone in this, your angel matters." -Alexa
"You are still a mother." -Amber
"You are strong and you did nothing wrong." -Kail
"A mother's love never dies and we will see our babies again one day. They're waiting for us with open arms and nothing but love and admiration." -Skylar
"Every moment of your baby's life, no matter how brief, is a precious treasure." -Amber
"Grief can only be found where love was found first." -Taylor
"You are still a mother." -Cara
"You are loved in Heaven and on Earth." -Shaylyn
"You are a survivor." -Brandy
"You are not alone." -Alisha
"Their legacy lives through you." -Reina
"You are worthy." -Ruth
"Never forget but allow yourself to move on." -Miranda
"You are valuable." -Cammie
"It’s not your fault." -Dawn
"Be gentle with yourself." -Tracy
"You are a mother and you are remembered." -Kimberlee
"You are not alone. Mother's all over the world are standing with you. Willing to hold you up when you feel like you no longer can." -Heather
"Your baby matters, your experience matters." -Stephanie
"You are a mom, remember that!" -Kristen
"It’s not your fault." -Samantha
"You are not alone." -Sarah
"Your baby's life mattered. You are a mom." -Marta
"You are strong! You are brave! You are not alone!" -Cheri
"It's ok to not be ok. Grief is a life long journey, take your time and be gentle with yourself." -Stella
"Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." -Lindsey
"Do not fear your grief, you WILL get through this, you WILL survive this. Grief is a journey and someday, I cannot tell you when, it will turn into something beautiful, bittersweet, but you will cherish all you have learned, felt, and every moment you had with your angel, no matter how brief. You are still a mum, it takes a very special kind of mum, to continue to love a child she cannot see or hold, and that makes you so much stronger then you realize." -Monica